How to groom a Golden Retriever

I wrote this for a contest on another site. It's also a great glimpse into my job.


How to groom a golden retriever, coming from a dog groomer.

To groom a golden retriever, first you must chase the dog around the groom shop because the owner has already taken his leash off. They assumed that since their dog follows them willingly without a leash, they will also follow you willingly toward the Tub of Doom.

Once you have control of the dog, you must now get it into the tub. If you are lucky, you have a cooperative golden who will jump happily into the tub. Today, however, you are unlucky, and the dog flattens himself to the ground when you pick him up, which causes him to weigh twice as much as if he had cooperated.

Now that you have him in the tub and secured so that he can't escape, you must wet him down. He will probably lean against the side of the tub, because being a golden retriever is exhausting. This means you must use one arm to pry ninety pounds of dog off the wall and the other to wet him down. You can't see that side of the dog, and you can't use your spare hand to feel if you got all the hair wet because it is busy trying to prevent the dog from flattening himself back against the wall.

Now apply shampoo. The dog is pretty sure this is better than being petted, so he cooperates until you get near his head. Then he suddenly decides you are trying to drown him and starts whipping his head from side to side, which causes you to get shampoo in his eyes unintentionally.

Lather, rinse, repeat.

After you are certain he is clean and rinsed, you can start to dry him. He enjoys being towelled dry but is pretty sure the velocity dryer is an evil creature bent on destroying him. Since he is a golden retriever and not a Scottish Terror, er, Terrier, he has some dignity and will allow you to dry him most of the way while incessantly trying to shake - both with his paw and with his body.

Meanwhile, undercoat is being blasted off of the dog and into your face and hair. You will be fishing dog hair out of your eyes for two days. By the way, for the next three days, you will be blowing dander out of your nose.

Once you get the dryer near his head, the golden retriever can't pretend to be noble anymore. He repeatedly tries to fling himself off the table, which gives you two options: you can catch him and throw out your back, or you can let him fall and hope he doesn't hang himself to death.

Now that the dog is clean and dry, it is time to cut the toenails. Most golden retrievers do pretty well with this, so you probably don't need to worry about being bitten, but you really never know.

Shave the pads of the feet and under the tail if necessary. Shave mats from behind the ears. These are the size of walnuts and the dog is terrified of the clippers near his head, so the goal is to shave the mats out without cutting his skin.

Brush out the remaining undercoat and tidy up any stray feathers.

Apply perfume, bows or a bandana and watch the dog you just spent two hours grooming go outside with its owner and immediately roll in a mud puddle.