I confess...

Creativity eludes me today. I had several ideas for blog topics while I was working today, but none seem quite right now.

Leeches?! Yuck. Sorry, watching Fear Factor. I used to love this show in high school. I was planning on watching America's Got Talent, but apparently NBC is showing Fear Factor instead. It's amazing what people will do for money. It would take a lot more than $100,000 for me to suck 30 leaches off of a person and then eat 10. Gag!!!

Oh, here's an interesting topic. Since we're on the topic of money, and I intend for this blog to tell the world about me, I may as well go ahead and confess...

My name is Jennifer, and I am a compulsive gambler.

At my worst, I probably spent 1/3 to 1/2 of every paycheck on some form of gambling. Car payment? Not important. Mortgage? I'll just make sure I win enough to pay that, or I'll pay two months' worth next month. I even called in sick to work a couple times so I could drive up to Blackhawk (a mountain gambling town) to gamble instead. I would win small amounts, usually between $20-100, but I never came home with any of that. I stayed and played until I had nothing left.

I played a little bit of Texas Hold 'Em and a little bit of Blackjack, but mostly I was a Slot Slut. I would hop from machine to machine, trying to find the lucky one. I had my favorites, but I would try new ones, too. I mostly played penny slots, especially

ugh, I can hear people vomiting on the tv behind me. ack.

Anyway, I especially liked penny slots where the max bet was $1 or less. You win the most playing the max bet, but I usually never had much more than $100 with me, so I didn't want to spend $3, 4, or 5 per spin. It took about an hour to drive to the casino; I didn't want to be broke in less than that time.

I always wanted to hit that big jackpot. If only I could hit that $10,000, I could pay off all my debts. If I hit $1000, I could pay a month or two on the mortgage on my condo with some left over.

And the broker I got, the worse my addiction got. I was getting desperate. I HAD to hit that jackpot.

Eventually, I realized I would never hit that jackpot. I was on the verge of having my car repossessed, I was on the verge of having my condo go into foreclosure...

...and then I changed jobs and took a 40% pay cut.

I was broke, and I was broken. It was time to change.

Of all people, the first person I confessed to was the dental assistant who glued my temporary crown back on after it had fallen off. She told me she had a friend with the same problem and that I should go to GA.

GA? What's that?

Gambler's Anonymous. It is based on the Alcoholics Anonymous system. It was worth a try.

It turned out a church about a mile from me hosted GA meetings every Tuesday.

The first time I went, I was terrified. Afraid of what, I'm really not sure.

What did I discover? Mostly older men who had lost everything to their addiction: wives, kids, houses, jobs, businesses...EVERYTHING.

I did not want to be in their shoes.

I also found lots of support and great advice. I discovered that when I set my mind to give up gambling, I suddenly started craving scratch tickets. I hadn't played a scratch ticket since I was 18; slots were more my thing, but since all gambling was now forbidden, it suddenly became more desirable, like the teen who smokes because they aren't supposed to.

I mentioned this at a meeting, and one of the men passed on some advice that had been passed on to him. "Scratch tickets are just pretty trash." I haven't craved a scratch ticket since then.

As I write this, it's been nearly 3 1/2 years since I last placed a bet of any kind. It has gotten easier to abstain over the past few years, but it's never easy. Powerball lotto billboards make me crazy. I still don't allow myself to watch casino commercials, and there are quite a few, especially during afternoon newscasts. Anytime there is a contest with a trip to Vegas as the grand prize, it makes me terribly sad. I will probably never go to Vegas again (I've been twice). I don't think I could go and not gamble, and I don't think I could gamble responsibly there, and even if I did, I would have a hard time abstaining again at home.

As difficult as it has been to experience this, discussing it is harder. Who wants to admit you have a problem?  I also now realize I have an addictive personality, so I don't allow myself to drink for fear I'll become an alcoholic. It wouldn't take much. I don't understand the point of social drinking. If you're going to drink, you may as well get trashed; I'm pretty sure that is how alcoholics think.

I hope I can inspire others that no matter what your addiction is, it is possible to overcome it. It is not easy, not by a long shot, but it is possible, and really...

SOMETIMES ALL YOU NEED IS HOPE.