Killing Me Softly...With Chocolate

Some people drown their sorrows (and other emotions) with alcohol. I prefer to drown mine with chocolate.

For as long as I can remember, I've used chocolate, sugar, and junk food as a sort of emotional anesthetic. Depressed? Eat. Stressed? Eat. Angry? Eat. Happy? Celebrate with food! Depressed about eating so much? Eat some more.

This is how I've come to weigh 246 pounds.

I know I lead an unhealthy lifestyle. I'm perfectly aware that I am killing myself one bite at a time. Yet I can't seem to stop.

Occasionally I manage to stick to a diet for a while, but I always fall off the wagon, so to speak. I think this is due in part to my bipolar disorder, which hasn't really been under control until recently...and even then, I'm always worried that another manic or depressive episode is right around the corner.

I need to figure out how to manage my emotions better. I've been in therapy for years, and once in a while we try to come up with alternatives, but if we've ever come up with anything, I've never been able to stick with it.

I'm turning 30 in a few weeks. At the rate I'm going, I don't think I'll make 40. I already have slightly high cholesterol, blood sugar, and blood pressure. I'm eating my way to a heart attack or stroke. Naturally, all this information makes me depressed and causes me to eat even more and contribute to the problem.

I'm tired of being tired all the time. I'm tired of my back hurting all the time. I'm tired of my feet hurting after work and I'm tired of wheezing after climbing a flight of stairs.

And I'm tired of feeling like a fat, ugly whale.

I worry I'll be alone the rest of my life. Sometimes I'm okay with that, but other times...I sure would like to have somebody to love who loves me in return. Somebody human.

Now I'm not intending to whine. I know there is no magic wand to "fix" me. I'm just trying to figure out how to fix my brain in order to fix my body.

When I'm upset (or angry, or PMSing, or stressed...), what do I do instead of eat? Until I answer this fundamental question, my life will never change.

Maybe this blog is the answer. Or part of the answer. Or maybe I need to start a separate blog for this issue? I guess I don't want to bore all my dog people, but I have spent several months building an audience here, and I'm willing to bet I'm not the only one here who has this issue.

What do you all do to fight negative emotions? I know exercise is good. It's just so hard when I hurt so much and I'm so tired from work. It's a heck of a Catch-22 - I'm too sore and tired to exercise, but exercise would help me feel less tired and sore.

Sigh.

I need to figure this out. I'm looking at starting Weight Watchers again, but until I really get to the core of these issues, I will never have a healthy relationship with food, and it won't take much of anything for me to fall off the wagon again.

So, Faithful Readers, I need your help. Any advice on how to change my relationship with food? How do you relieve stress? What do you do if you've had a bad day? I'm open to anything. I can't promise to try everything (I couldn't manage a run, for example), but I do promise to seriously consider every piece of advice and every tip I receive.

 Thank you in advance, and I will bring you more dog posts soon!