Wednesday, December 9, 2015

Being an Adult Sucks Sometimes

When I was a kid, I COULDN'T WAIT to grow up. I hated being a kid. Didn't have many friends until high school - and let's face it, we basically thought we were adults in high school anyway.

Sitting at the "kid's table" at holidays and special functions was like torture. I much preferred adult conversation to child's play.

I tried to get a work permit and get a job at 15, but nobody would hire me, so I went looking for a job as soon as I turned 16. I worked for two terrible weeks at a fast food restaurant, then quit and worked at a grocery store for the next couple of years, and apart from when I was attending college, when I worked during breaks anyway, I haven't been without a job for more than a few weeks at a time since.

My mom took me to get my learner's permit the day I was old enough - 15 and 3 months. I took and passed driver's ed and got my driver's license on my 16th birthday.

In less than a year of working part-time, plus working nearly full time in the summer, I saved $2000 so I could buy my first car. My aunt and uncle matched that money because they wanted me to have something more reliable than what $2000 could buy.

When I was 18, I started getting credit card offers in the mail. I decided I should get one before going to college. You know, "for emergencies."

Little did I realize that I would come to define an "emergency" as wanting Domino's Pizza on a Friday night after burning through the money I'd saved over the summer.

And so began my money troubles.

...

Cut to now. I'm 33. I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder six or seven years ago, and it's reasonably well under control at the moment. I'm pretty sure I have ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder) but stimulants, the usual treatment, made my heart race, and I might be allergic to the non-stimulant treatment. Oh well.

I am currently in a group therapy for emotional regulation called DBT - Dialectical Behavioral Therapy. Through DBT, I'm fully realizing just how much my subconscious is ruled by a 5-year-old who like to throw temper tantrums.

I've never been very good at forcing myself to do stuff I "should do." That is why I weigh nearly 250 pounds and I'm a slob with chronic financial troubles. Anytime I think, "I should eat better/exercise/clean my apartment/manage my money better," the 5-year-old kicks in and screams, "NO!!! I don't wanna!" And most of the time, like the wuss I am, I let her win.

(Side note: this is one reason I do not want to have kids. I can't even control the child that lives inside my brain; I would never be able to control a real, live child.)

So here I sit. 33 and single. My savings account is empty. My checking account is $850 in the red until I get paid on Friday. My only credit card is maxed out, unusable, and behind on payments. I took my car to get emissions tested on Monday - and they were unable to test it because it "wouldn't stay on the dynometer." My car already needs a new clutch and lots of other work done to it, which I am trying to wait to fix until I get my tax refund in a couple of months, but now I need to get SOMETHING, I don't even know what, fixed before I can even COMPLETE the emissions test, much less pass it, so that I can renew my license plates before the end of the month. I almost had the opportunity to move in with a friend and save nearly $700 a month on rent an utilities, but that fell through. Now I'm finally emotionally ready for a roommate - but stuck in a lease until November.

And what do I want more than anything?

To go back to the simple days of being a kid, where my parents took care of most of my basic necessities and I didn't have to worry about anything more stressful than homework. I feel like I wasted my childhood away just waiting for an adult life that sucks.

To any kids, teenagers, or young adults who might read this - enjoy your youth. Even if adulthood doesn't get WORSE as you get older - it certainly gets more complicated. Enjoy the simplicity of youth.

And stay away from credit cards as much as possible.

Wednesday, December 2, 2015

NaNoWriMo

This year, I participated in NaNoWriMo for the first time. NaNoWriMo is short for National Novel Writing Month. The goal is to start writing a new novel on November 1 and write 50,000 words (the length of a short novel) by the end of the month.

I completed the rough draft of my first novel, a romance novel, at 67,000 words and 230 double-spaced pages in 22 days.

A little something about myself: I'm not very good at finishing what I start. I've started half a dozen novels before, usually during manic episodes (I'm bipolar), but this is the first time I've actually finished one. It feels amazing!

Right now, I am heeding Stephen King's advice and letting my rough draft sit for a while before I go back and do my rewrite, so that I can approach it with fresh eyes.

In the meantime, I am trying to write another novel, but without the excitement of NaNoWriMo spurring me on, it's slow going.

Anyway, after I rewrite, fix up, and edit my first novel, I would like to get it published. It looks like self-publishing of some sort may be the best way to go. Even if I do strictly an e-book, I've heard a good editor is well worth the money to help you structure your novel in the most reader-friendly way possible.

The problem is, that costs money, money which I don't have. So I'm thinking that I might do a kickstarter fund. I guess right now I'm testing the waters to see if any of my friends, family, and other blog readers might be interested in helping me fund my first self-published book? If I do a kickstarter, I will have a summary and/or excerpt of my novel so people know what they are funding.

In any case, I will probably start blogging regularly again to increase my social media presence in advance of potentially self-publishing my first novel.

I welcome comments, though I do moderate them to weed out some of the spam.